All about Self-esteem by Teru Nakashima, Japan

The Tree of Self-Affirmation: Nurturing Growth During School Refusal

Teru Nakashima

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Futoko in Japan represents a protective response rather than a problem, with over 240,000 students absent from school for 30 days or more as they instinctively conserve energy when overwhelmed.

• School refusal often stems from overactivity in the amygdala, causing students to constantly perceive threats others might not notice
• Speaker Nakashima's "Tree of Self-Affirmation" illustrates how futoko relates to weakened self-esteem and self-acceptance
• Creating supportive environments involves shifting from "rescuing" to "accompanying" students through their healing journey
• Fathers can provide structural support by creating "self-determination zones" giving children 30% control over their space
• Mothers are encouraged to focus on affirming their child's existence rather than achievements
• Simple activities like observing the sky together can activate the prefrontal cortex and support emotional regulation
• Parents should resist forcing solutions and instead create environments where healing can happen naturally
• The experience of futoko can be reframed as a necessary transformation, similar to a caterpillar in a cocoon
• Success doesn't have to follow a linear path—sometimes detours lead to more authentic and fulfilling journeys

Futoko—Japan's phenomenon of school refusal—affects over 240,000 students annually, but what if we've been looking at it all wrong? This fascinating deep dive challenges traditional perspectives by exploring how futoko may actually represent a protective response rather than defiance or laziness.

Drawing from expert insights, we examine the neuroscience behind this phenomenon. Students experiencing futoko often display overactivity in their amygdala, essentially perceiving threats that others might not notice. Like a bird in a cage that eventually becomes still to preserve energy, these children aren't giving up—they're protecting themselves from overwhelming environments.

Through Speaker Nakashima's powerful "Tree of Self-Affirmation" analogy, we explore how futoko often stems from weakened self-esteem and self-acceptance. This remarkable framework illustrates the journey from basic self-esteem (roots) through to self-worth (fruit), offering a roadmap for supporting children through this challenging period.

The most transformative aspect of this exploration is the shift from "rescuing" to "accompanying"—recognizing that like trees in winter, apparent dormancy often masks profound internal growth. Parents are encouraged to create supportive environments where healing can happen naturally, with specific guidance for both mothers and fathers. From establishing "self-determination zones" that give children partial control over their space to simple activities like sky-watching that activate the prefrontal cortex, these practical strategies build resilience without forcing solutions.

By reframing futoko as a necessary transformation—like a caterpillar in a cocoon—we discover that these apparent detours might lead to more authentic and fulfilling paths. For anyone supporting a child through school refusal or interested in alternative perspectives on education and mental health, this episode offers profound insights into nurturing growth during life's challenging transitions.

Teru Nakashima, All about Self-esteem

Speaker 1:

Welcome to another deep dive where we like to go a little deeper with our topic. Today we're looking at futoko in Japan, which is school refusal, and we're going to be looking at it from a bunch of different angles. We have speeches from experts, we have letters that are written to parents, we have letters written to educators, and we even have messages to the students themselves.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's really interesting how all these different sources kind of come at this topic from their own unique perspective.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and the thing that's really got me intrigued about this deep dive is that, instead of looking at Futoko as a problem, we're going to be looking at it as, like a protective response.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Maybe even like a chance for growth.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's really fascinating to see how all these sources are encouraging us to look at Futoko not as defiance or laziness but to really like look a little bit deeper.

Speaker 1:

OK, so before we get too far into this, can you give us a sense of just how widespread is Futoko in Japan? Like, how big of an issue are we talking about?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so one of our experts, Speaker Nakajima. He points out that there are over 240,000 students who are absent for 30 days or more.

Speaker 1:

Wow, ok, so that's a significant number.

Speaker 2:

Right, and he's really arguing that this isn't just kids choosing to skip school or something like that. He talks about something called environmental adaptation, energy.

Speaker 1:

It was that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so he kind of describes it like a battery that's run dry, almost like a necessary shutdown to like conserve energy.

Speaker 1:

Oh, interesting. Ok, that makes sense. I'm thinking about the birdcage analogy he uses to explain this.

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 1:

Can you walk us through that?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so imagine a bird that's trapped in a cage Right, and at first it's going to be, you know, frantically trying to escape and banging around, and then eventually it just becomes still. But that doesn't mean that the bird has lost hope, it's just preserving its strength.

Speaker 1:

OK. So it's like it's not giving up, it's like a survival tactic.

Speaker 2:

Exactly, and Speaker Nakashima is saying that futoko can be a very similar act of self-preservation.

Speaker 1:

That's powerful. And it's not just a theory either. Right, there's actual neuroscience that backs up this idea.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely yeah, there's research that shows that students experiencing futoko often have overactivity in their amygdala.

Speaker 1:

Okay, can you break that down a little bit for us, Like what is the amygdala and why is that significant?

Speaker 2:

So the amygdala is the part of your brain that's responsible for processing fear, and so when this is overactive, it means they're basically perceiving threats all the time that other people might not even notice.

Speaker 1:

Oh, so they're just constantly in this heightened state of anxiety.

Speaker 2:

Exactly Like. Imagine going through your day feeling like you're constantly in danger. It's exhausting, and so withdrawing from school can be a way of protecting themselves from that overwhelming stress.

Speaker 1:

It makes sense that they would need to withdraw to regain their strength, and this is where I think Speaker Nakashima's tree of self-affirmation comes in right.

Speaker 2:

Yes, exactly, he uses this really cool image of a tree to explain all the different aspects of self-affirmation.

Speaker 1:

Okay, I love a good analogy. So walk us through this tree. How does it work?

Speaker 2:

So you can think of your own self-affirmation like a tree. So first you have to look at the roots. Are the roots of your self-esteem strong? Are they healthy?

Speaker 1:

Okay, so the roots are self-esteem, which is knowing your worth. I got it. What about the trunk?

Speaker 2:

The trunk is your self-acceptance, so it's about being okay with who you are, just as you are.

Speaker 1:

I love that, and then the branches, I'm assuming. The branches are self-efficacy, which is like your belief in your ability to handle challenges that come your way. Okay, so it's like how well equipped are you to deal with whatever life throws at you and the leaves.

Speaker 2:

The leaves represent self-confidence, so that's about trusting your own judgment.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so you have a strong foundation, you believe in yourself, you trust your decisions, and then we get to the flowers.

Speaker 2:

Right. The flowers represent self-determination, which is your ability to choose your own path.

Speaker 1:

So it's like being the author of your own life, basically, and the food of all this.

Speaker 2:

The fruit is self-worth. It's the feeling that you contribute to the world around you. Wow.

Speaker 1:

This is a really powerful image, and so how does this tree analogy relate back to futoko?

Speaker 2:

Speaker Nakashima argues that futoko often stems from weakened roots and a trunk that's not very strong, so it's a lack of foundational self-esteem and self-acceptance.

Speaker 1:

That's like if you try to grow a tree in bad soil or without enough water, it's not going to thrive.

Speaker 2:

Exactly, and so supporting these students really involves helping them to strengthen those core elements of self-affirmation.

Speaker 1:

That makes a lot of sense. So how do we approach supporting these students, then? One thing that I was really struck by was this shift from rescuing to accompanying that I saw in a lot of these sources. Can you talk a little bit about that?

Speaker 2:

It is a really crucial shift in perspective. Instead of viewing Futoko as something that needs to be fixed right away, it's about being a supportive presence on their journey, allowing them to kind of heal and grow at their own pace, and Speaker Nakashima uses another great analogy here he talks about trees in winter.

Speaker 1:

I love that, because trees, in winter they look dormant, they look lifeless almost. But underneath there's so much going on. They're preparing for spring, they're getting ready for a whole new season of growth.

Speaker 2:

Right, and it's about trusting that process, recognizing that, even though we might not see outward progress, there's a lot happening beneath the surface.

Speaker 1:

So how do we create that supportive environment for these students?

Speaker 2:

Speaker Nakashima suggests that simply creating a safe space where just being present is enough can be incredibly powerful. Just think about it no judgment, no pressure to perform, just unconditional acceptance. That in itself can be incredibly healing.

Speaker 1:

It's like saying, hey, it's okay to just be be. You don't have to do anything to prove your worth.

Speaker 2:

Right. And along with that acceptance, it's about resisting the urge to force progress and instead celebrating those small everyday wins that build self-efficacy.

Speaker 1:

Oh, that's so important, because what might seem like a tiny step to one person could be a huge victory for someone struggling with Fotoko.

Speaker 2:

Exactly, and it's about recognizing and honoring their efforts, no matter how small they might seem.

Speaker 1:

OK, and I know the speaker in Akashima also offers more specific advice that's tailored to different groups. He even breaks it down by parents, right.

Speaker 2:

Yes, he actually specifically addresses fathers and mothers, acknowledging the different roles they often play in the family dynamic.

Speaker 1:

OK, that's interesting. So what kind of support does he suggest that fathers provide?

Speaker 2:

He talks about providing what he calls structural support, and one example he gives is giving children some control over their personal space. Did you know that giving them about 30% control can actually promote self-regulation?

Speaker 1:

Wow, I didn't know that. That's really interesting. It's almost like an architectural concept, like designing a space to support a child's well-being.

Speaker 2:

It's really fascinating, isn't it? And it makes sense when you think about it. Having a sense of ownership over your environment can be incredibly empowering, especially when they might be feeling trapped or overwhelmed.

Speaker 1:

It's like creating a sanctuary, a space where they feel safe and in control.

Speaker 2:

And that's got to be so important when they're already dealing with so much internal turmoil. Absolutely, and alongside that structural support, he also highlights the importance of cognitive support that fathers can provide.

Speaker 1:

Okay, what does cognitive support look like in this context?

Speaker 2:

So it's about shifting the focus from what you should do to what's possible. So, instead of you know, dictating solutions, it's about brainstorming possibilities together, helping the child explore different options and paths they might take.

Speaker 1:

So it's about empowering them to find their own solutions, rather than imposing our ideas on them.

Speaker 2:

Exactly. It's about being a guide, not a dictator, and, importantly, speaker Nakashima encourages fathers to maintain a long-term perspective.

Speaker 1:

That can be tough when you're right in the middle of it. When you're in the thick of it, it's easy to get caught up in the day-to-day struggles.

Speaker 2:

It's true, but he reminds fathers that this period of Fotoko is not the end of the world. It's a detour, a chance for growth and exploration. It's about trusting that this experience, however challenging it may be, can ultimately lead to something positive. It's about holding on to that hope even when things feel really difficult, and that's a powerful message, not just for fathers, but for anyone who's supporting a young person who's going through a tough time.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's about believing in their ability to overcome those challenges, you know, ultimately find their own path. Okay, so we've talked about Speaker Nakashima's advice for fathers. What about mothers? What kind of support does he suggest that they provide?

Speaker 2:

Well, he actually focuses a lot on reassurance, recognizing that mothers often bear such a heavy emotional burden when their children are struggling.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's so easy for a mom to internalize it and blame herself when her child is struggling like that.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely. It's a very natural response, but it can be incredibly damaging, and so Speaker Nakashima really tries to reframe Futoko, not as a personal failing but as a necessary transformation. He compares it to a caterpillar in a cocoon.

Speaker 1:

Oh, that's so beautiful. I love that analogy because you look at this cocoon and it seems lifeless. You know from the outside, but inside there's this incredible transformation happening the caterpillar is completely changing itself, getting ready to emerge as a butterfly.

Speaker 2:

It's such a powerful reminder that sometimes the most profound growth happens in the quietest, most hidden places, and it just takes time. We can't rush the process.

Speaker 1:

So how can mothers help to create that cocoon of support for their children while they're going through this transformation?

Speaker 2:

Well, speaker Nakashima offers some really practical advice here, and one thing he talks about is the power of simple things like observing the sky together.

Speaker 1:

Observing the sky together. Okay, I'm intrigued. I would have never thought of that. What does that have to do with Futoko?

Speaker 2:

It's fascinating. Actually, there's a lot of science behind it. When you observe the sky, it activates the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of your brain that's responsible for planning, decision-making and emotional regulation.

Speaker 1:

Oh, wow, okay. So it's not just about you know, enjoying a peaceful moment together. It's actually helping the child to develop these essential cognitive skills.

Speaker 2:

Exactly. It's a chance for them to connect, to share a moment of peace and wonder, without any pressure or expectations.

Speaker 1:

It's about just being present in that moment, enjoying each other's company and letting go of all those anxieties and worries. I love that. What other practical advice does he offer?

Speaker 2:

He also emphasizes the importance of offering choices, even small ones. You know, letting the child decide what to wear, what they want to eat, how to spend their free time. It might seem insignificant, but those little choices can make a big difference.

Speaker 1:

It's about giving them a sense of agency, you know, a feeling that they have some control over their lives, which can be so empowering, especially when they're feeling powerless in other areas.

Speaker 2:

Exactly, and I think the most important piece of advice he gives, the one that really stuck with me, is to focus on affirming the child's existence, not just their achievements.

Speaker 1:

That's so powerful. It's about saying you are loved and valued just for being you, not just you did a good job. It's like shifting the focus from external validation to internal worth.

Speaker 2:

You're absolutely right. It's about helping them to build that foundation of self-love, that unshakable sense of worth, so that, even when they're not performing or achieving, they still feel loved and valued.

Speaker 1:

It's a message that, honestly, we all need to hear, right, Whether we're experiencing Futoko or not, and you know we've talked a lot about Speaker Nakashima's perspective, but we also have these letters that are addressed directly to parents and students, which I think offers such a unique window into the personal experiences of Futoko.

Speaker 2:

They do. They provide this raw, emotional look at what it feels like for families and for these young people to go through this experience.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, let's start with the letter to parents. I was really struck by how honestly it acknowledges that emotional roller coaster that parents often go through when their child is refusing to go to school.

Speaker 2:

It really captures that sense of worry, confusion, even guilt, that parents might feel.

Speaker 1:

It's like saying it's okay to feel all these things. You're not alone in this.

Speaker 2:

Exactly. It validates those feelings which is so important for parents who might be feeling isolated and overwhelmed.

Speaker 1:

But the letter doesn't just dwell on those negative emotions. It also offers a way forward, right Like a way to reframe futoko, not as a personal failing, but as a chance for deeper connection and understanding within the family.

Speaker 2:

It really encourages parents to shift their focus from trying to fix their child to simply being there for them, supporting them on their journey.

Speaker 1:

And one of the key messages that I took away from that letter is don't try to force a solution.

Speaker 2:

That's so crucial. Trying to force a child back into a situation that's causing them distress can actually make things worse. It's like trying to force a flower to bloom before it's ready. It's just not going to work.

Speaker 1:

It's about trusting the process, giving them the time and space they need to heal and to grow at their own pace.

Speaker 2:

And the letter gives some really practical advice for how to do that. You know little things that parents can do every day to nurture their child's self-esteem and to help them feel safe and supported.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I loved this suggestion of creating what the letter calls a self-determination zone within the home. Can you explain what that is?

Speaker 2:

It's about giving the child some control over their space, their schedule, their belongings. You know the letter recommends giving them control over about 30 percent of their space.

Speaker 1:

It's so interesting. It's almost like an interior design principle for supporting a child's well-being, you know.

Speaker 2:

It is, and it makes a lot of sense when you think about it. When you feel like you have some control over your surroundings, you're less likely to feel trapped or overwhelmed.

Speaker 1:

It's about creating that sense of safety and stability, which is so essential when they're already dealing with so much, you know, internal turmoil, what, it also talks about the importance of you know, engaging in creative activities together, spending time in nature, establishing a calm and predictable routine. All those things that can help to regulate emotions and create a sense of peace and well-being. It's not about fixing the problem. It's about creating an environment where healing can happen.

Speaker 2:

Exactly, and I think one of the most powerful pieces of advice is to focus on affirming the child's existence, not just their achievements. It's about saying you are loved and valued just for being you, not just you did a good job.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we touched on this earlier, but it's worth repeating because it's such a fundamental shift in perspective. It's about recognizing their inherent worth, regardless of their performance or achievements.

Speaker 2:

It's about helping them build that unshakable foundation of self-love that will carry them through life's challenges.

Speaker 1:

And this brings us to the letter that's specifically addressed to fathers, and I was struck by how it really acknowledges that unique role that fathers often play in the family dynamic.

Speaker 2:

It speaks directly to those dads who might be feeling a bit lost, unsure of how to best support their child through this experience, and it almost seems to offer a more practical strategic approach.

Speaker 1:

I noticed that too. It almost felt like a step-by-step guide for dads, which I think can be really helpful for those who prefer a more action-oriented approach.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it starts by, you know, explaining the neuroscience behind Fotoko, emphasizing that it's not about laziness or defiance. You know, it's a biological response to stress.

Speaker 1:

That understanding is key right, Because it takes away the blame and shame that's often associated with Futoko, both for the child and for the parents.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely. It reframes Futoko as a protective mechanism. It's a way for the child's brain to cope with this overwhelming stress and once you understand that, it's so much easier to approach the situation with compassion and empathy.

Speaker 1:

So once fathers understand the why behind Fratoco, you know what actions does the letter suggest that they take.

Speaker 2:

Well, one of the first things it addresses is the environment. It talks about creating what it calls self-determination zones within the home.

Speaker 1:

We talked about that a little bit earlier in the context of the letter to parents. Can you remind us what that means?

Speaker 2:

It's about giving the child some control over their space. You know their schedule, their belongings and the letter actually recommends giving them control over about 30% of their space.

Speaker 1:

It's interesting how specific that recommendation is. I'm curious what are the benefits of creating these self-determination zones?

Speaker 2:

Well, when a child feels like they have some control over their environment, they're less likely to feel trapped or overwhelmed. It can help to reduce anxiety and promote that sense of safety and stability.

Speaker 1:

So it's like giving them a sense of agency, you know, within their own little world.

Speaker 2:

Exactly. And alongside that structural support, the letter also emphasizes the importance of cognitive support.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so what does that look like in practice?

Speaker 2:

So it's about shifting the focus from what you should do to what's possible. So, instead of dictating solutions, it's about brainstorming possibilities together, helping the child explore different options and paths they might take.

Speaker 1:

So, instead of telling them what to do, it's about helping them figure out what they want to do and how they can get there.

Speaker 2:

It's about being a guide, not a dictator. It's about empowering them to make their own choices and find solutions that work for them.

Speaker 1:

Which really ties back to that idea of self-determination, doesn't it? It's about giving them the tools and the confidence to navigate their own journey.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, and the letter also encourages fathers to maintain a long-term perspective.

Speaker 1:

That can be really tough when you're in the thick of it right. It's easy to get caught up in those day-to-day struggles and kind of lose sight of the bigger picture.

Speaker 2:

It's true, but the letter reminds fathers that this period of Futoko, it's not the end of the world. You know, it's a detour, a chance for growth and exploration, and it's about trusting that this experience, however challenging it may be, can ultimately lead to something positive.

Speaker 1:

It's about saying hey, we're in this together and no matter what path you choose, we'll be here to support you.

Speaker 2:

You know, what I find so striking about this letter is how it seamlessly blends this practical advice with such profound emotional intelligence. I agree, it really speaks to the heart of what it means to be a supportive father, you know, to be strong and steady, but also compassionate and understanding. You know it encourages fathers to be present, to be patient and to be that source of unwavering love and support.

Speaker 1:

Those are, honestly, qualities that any parent, regardless of gender, can aspire to.

Speaker 2:

Exactly, and it reminds us that you know parenthood. It's not about having all the answers. It's about being there for your children through thick and thin.

Speaker 1:

And what I find so beautiful about these letters is that they offer this glimpse into the deeply personal experiences of families who are navigating Fotoko, and they remind us that behind the statistics, you know, there are real people with real emotions, and that compassion and understanding are key.

Speaker 2:

You're so right. And they also highlight the incredible strength and resilience of both the children who are experiencing Fotoko and the parents who are supporting them on that journey, and it's a powerful reminder that, even in the face of adversity, there's always hope and there's always a path forward.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's inspiring to see how these families have kind of turned what could be seen as a crisis into an opportunity for growth and connection and you know we've talked for those moms who are feeling overwhelmed and maybe a little uncertain, you know.

Speaker 2:

It acknowledges the weight that they often carry, all the societal expectations, the guilt, the pressure to fix things, and it gently reassures them that they're not alone and that Fratoco is not a reflection of their parenting.

Speaker 1:

I think that's so crucial for mothers to hear. You know it's so easy to fall into that trap of self-blame when your child is struggling.

Speaker 2:

It's a natural response, but the letter does a beautiful job of validating those feelings. While gently guiding mothers away from that self-blame, it encourages them to see Frutoko not as a failure but as a transformation.

Speaker 1:

We talked about that caterpillar analogy earlier. Does this letter use that as well?

Speaker 2:

It does it so beautifully illustrates how something that appears dormant on the outside can actually be a period of really intense growth and change. You know, it reminds us that profound transformations often happen in the quietest, most hidden places.

Speaker 1:

And that's where those daily acts of love and connection become even more important. Right, it's about creating that safe and supportive cocoon where the child can kind of heal and grow at their own pace.

Speaker 2:

Exactly, and the letter offers so many wonderful suggestions for creating that nurturing environment. You know, encouraging mothers to create a calm and predictable routine, to spend time in nature, engage in creative activities together.

Speaker 1:

I was really touched by the emphasis on simply being present, you know, just listening without judgment, offering words of encouragement, letting the child know that they are loved and accepted unconditionally.

Speaker 2:

It's about shifting the focus from doing to being, from trying to fix the problem to simply nurturing the relationship.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's about creating that space where the child feels safe enough to just be themselves, without any pressure to perform or to conform.

Speaker 2:

Right. And the letter also encourages mothers to prioritize their own well-being. You know, it reminds them that self-care is not selfish, it's essential.

Speaker 1:

Well, that is so important. You can't pour from an empty cup, right? If you're not taking care of yourself, you can't effectively care for others.

Speaker 2:

It's like the oxygen mask on an airplane. You know you have to put your own mask on first before you can help anyone else.

Speaker 1:

Such a good analogy and it's a good reminder that you know modeling self-compassion for our children is just as important as showing them compassion. Absolutely it creates this culture of care within the family, a space where everyone feels safe and supported to, you know, nurture their own well-being. It's amazing to see how all of these sources you know, from the expert speeches to these really personal letters kind of weave together this tapestry of understanding and support for Fotoko. This deep dive has definitely challenged my own perception of you know what school refusal really means.

Speaker 2:

It's so much more nuanced and complex than just refusing to go to school, isn't it? It's about understanding those underlying reasons, the emotional and biological factors that are at play. It's about seeing Futoko not as a problem to be solved, but as a journey to be navigated with compassion and understanding and a whole lot of love.

Speaker 1:

And it's a reminder that you know, the definition of success doesn't have to be linear. Sometimes it's about taking a detour, exploring different paths and discovering our own unique way of being in the world.

Speaker 2:

And what I think is so remarkable is how all of these sources highlight that incredible resilience of the human spirit. You know, even in the face of really immense challenges, there's always hope, there's always a path forward, even if it looks different than what we expected, there's always a path forward, even if it looks different than what we expected.

Speaker 1:

You know, if you're listening to this and you're personally experiencing Fotoko, or if you're supporting someone who is, or even if you're just curious about this phenomenon, remember this You're not alone. There is support available and there is a path forward.

Speaker 2:

It might not be easy, but it's a journey worth taking. Who knows, maybe those detours, those seemingly unconventional paths, will ultimately lead to something even more beautiful and fulfilling than we could have imagined.

Speaker 1:

That's a beautiful thought to end on. Thanks for joining us on this deep dive into Fotoko. We hope you found it insightful and thought-provoking, as we did, and until next time, keep exploring, keep learning and keep diving deep.

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