All about Self-esteem by Teru Nakashima, Japan
Teru Nakashima: A Pioneer in Self-Esteem Psychology
# Teru Nakashima: Leading Voice in Self-Esteem Psychology
Teru Nakashima is a prominent Japanese psychological counselor, author, and public speaker who developed "Natural Psychology," an approach to enhancing self-acceptance and transforming lives. After overcoming severe personal struggles, including a decade as a hikikomori (social recluse) and multiple suicide attempts, he independently studied psychology and therapy, developing methods that led to his own recovery and eventually helping others.
## Core Theory and Methodology
Nakashima's theory of self-acceptance centers on six fundamental elements:
- Sense of Existence: Feeling one's life has value
- Sense of Competence: Believing in one's abilities
- Sense of Belonging: Feeling accepted in society
- Sense of Security: Having a safe space
- Self-Trust: Being reliable and dependable
- Self-Esteem: Recognizing one's inherent worth
His methodology follows three key steps:
1. Self-Recognition: Acknowledging all aspects of oneself
2. Self-Acceptance: Embracing one's complete self
3. Self-Affirmation: Recognizing one's inherent value
## Impact and Work
Nakashima has authored several bestselling books, including "Three Steps to Enhance Self-Acceptance" and "How to Love Yourself." He conducts training sessions nationwide for corporations, educational institutions, and hospitals. His YouTube channel and daily newsletter provide practical guidance on self-acceptance and personal growth.
His unique contribution includes the concept of "mental brakes" - unconscious blocks formed from past trauma and negative thought patterns. He teaches that true self-acceptance isn't about forced positivity but embracing one's authentic self completely. Nakashima also introduces "fudoshin" (immovable mind) as the ultimate state of self-acceptance - maintaining inner stability regardless of external circumstances.
His work particularly resonates in Japanese society, where issues of self-worth and social pressure are prevalent. Through seminars, books, digital content, and counseling sessions, Nakashima continues to provide hope and practical guidance to those struggling with self-acceptance, while his principles are increasingly applied in organizational development to improve workplace relationships and employee well-being.
All about Self-esteem by Teru Nakashima, Japan
From Resentment to Freedom: A Journey of Forgiveness : Anger Management
Anger serves as a double-edged sword, holding the potential for destruction or transformation. The conversation explores passive aggression, the importance of forgiveness, and strategies for managing anger constructively. A structured approach, such as keeping an anger diary and employing techniques like the REACH method, fosters emotional awareness and healing.
• Exploring passive-aggressive behaviors and their impact on relationships
• Introducing the anger diary as a tool for understanding triggers
• Discussing the scientific benefits of forgiveness on mental health
• Outlining the REACH method for transforming anger into healing
• Highlighting the role of cultural norms in shaping anger expression
• Emphasizing self-regulation techniques for managing intense emotions
• Encouraging self-empathy as a means of healing
• Understanding anger as a source of potential constructive change
- What is "passive-aggressive" behavior, and how does it relate to anger?
- Passive-aggressive behavior is an indirect way of expressing anger or negativity. Instead of directly confronting a person or situation, individuals might resort to tactics like ignoring, sabotaging, delaying, or making sarcastic remarks. This behavior stems from an inability or unwillingness to express anger directly and can damage relationships over time. Examples include sulking after being scolded or deliberately slowing down work to frustrate a superior.
- What is the "anger journal," and how can it help manage negative emotions?
- An "anger journal" is a tool for reflecting on instances of anger and understanding their roots. To create an effective anger journal, you should record the date, a detailed description of the anger, the trigger or cause, your perception of the trigger, and the resulting actions you took. By regularly reviewing these entries, you can identify patterns of negative behavior and recognize the downsides of seeking "negative attention." This awareness can help you find healthier ways to communicate your emotions and express yourself effectively.
- What is the significance of the phrase "Goodbye and good health" in managing negative feelings?
- The phrase "Goodbye and good health" is a technique for detaching yourself from negative feelings and freeing yourself from being controlled by someone you resent. Whether or not you continue to have contact with the person, mentally saying "Goodbye and good health" signifies that you are choosing to stop dwelling on them and their actions. It means letting go of the negativity and reclaiming your freedom.
- What is the REACH method and what are the steps?
- The REACH method, developed by psychologist Everett Worthington, is a structured approach to forgiveness and emotional release. REACH is an acronym for the five steps:
- Recall: Remember the event that caused the anger or resentment, focusing on objectively describing what happened and your emotional response at the time.
- Emphasize: Try to understand the other person's perspective and motivations behind their actions, even if they hurt you.
- Altruistic Gift: Think about a time when you were forgiven by someone else and how that made you feel. This helps you understand the benefits of forgiveness for both parties.
- Commit: Decide to forgive and let go of the resentment, recognizing the futility of dwelling on negativity.
- Hold: Maintain your commitment to forgiveness, even if the other person's behavior doesn't change, and use the REACH method again if feelings of anger resurface.
Teru Nakashima, All about Self-esteem
OK, wow, these articles you sent over about anger management from President Online by this Japanese psychologist are really fascinating. Like this whole idea of passive aggressive anger really got my attention. It's not like you know the typical shouting and arguing, but, as this author pointed out, it can be just as damaging, if not more so.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:To relationships. Have you ever? I mean?
Speaker 3:Oh, for sure.
Speaker 1:I'm sure you've encountered this kind of anger right.
Speaker 3:Definitely. I mean, it's probably way more common and we realize it's like this, you know, kind of sneaky, like sabotage, that just kind of festers under the surface. You know the author actually connects it to our human need for attention. Oh, interesting you know, sometimes, when we don't get that positive attention we crave, we might like unconsciously seek out negative attention.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:Even if it ends up hurting us in the long run.
Speaker 1:It's like, hey, pay attention to me, even if it's for all the wrong reasons.
Speaker 3:Exactly.
Speaker 1:That's such an interesting psychological insight.
Speaker 3:It is. Yeah, I think what's really intriguing is the author's suggestion to keep an anger diary. And again, it's not about like dwelling on the negative, it's more about just like noticing our patterns of behavior.
Speaker 1:Okay, so how does this anger diary work? Is it just like venting on a paper?
Speaker 3:No, it's a little more structured than that. You start with a date, okay, of course. Then you, you know, write down, like the event, what actually triggered your anger. But then it gets interesting because then you go into your interpretation of that situation.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay.
Speaker 3:Like, what were the thoughts that were going through your head? Was there like a belief or an assumption that you had that fueled that anger? And then, finally, you reflect on your actions.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:How did you actually react? How did you respond?
Speaker 1:So it's like holding up a mirror to your anger. Yes, you're seeing the trigger, the interpretation and then the consequence, all laid out in front of you.
Speaker 3:Exactly, and by documenting these patterns you start to gain a much clearer understanding of okay, what are my anger triggers and how do I typically respond.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And then from there you can actually start to explore healthier ways of managing those situations.
Speaker 1:So it's less about avoiding anger altogether and more about understanding how to work with it.
Speaker 2:Totally.
Speaker 1:In a more constructive way.
Speaker 3:Yeah, precisely, it's about recognizing that anger is a natural human emotion.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:You know, it's what we do with that energy that determines whether it's destructive or transformative.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. There's another point in these articles that really stuck with me, and it was this idea that holding on to resentment is like giving someone free rent in your head.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, it's such a powerful.
Speaker 1:It's such a powerful analogy it really is.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it highlights the mental and emotional burden that resentment carries. You think about it. Resentment consumes valuable mental bandwidth that you could be using for creativity, problem solving or simply just enjoying life. And there's even scientific evidence to support this. Studies have shown that forgiveness is linked to reduced stress, lower blood pressure and even improve immune function. So it's not just about being nice, it's about taking care of your well-being.
Speaker 1:You're carrying around this heavy baggage that's weighing you down. Yes, but you have the power to just put it down to free yourself from that burden.
Speaker 3:Yes, you do.
Speaker 1:And that's where this REACH method comes in.
Speaker 3:Exactly the author talks about Uh-huh. Exactly this is a five-step process developed by American psychologist Everett Worthington, and it's designed to help us forgive and let go of resentment.
Speaker 1:Awesome, Okay. So let's break down these steps, starting with R. What does R stand for?
Speaker 3:R stands for recall. Okay, and this is where you take the time to objectively recall the event that caused you pain. Uh-huh, you know. Write it down, focusing on the facts, but without blaming yourself or the other person.
Speaker 1:So it's like creating a neutral record of what happened without getting lost in the emotional storm.
Speaker 3:Exactly, it's about separating the event itself from your interpretation of it.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:And once you've recalled the event, you move on to E, which stands for emphasize.
Speaker 1:Okay, so this is where empathy comes in, right.
Speaker 3:Precisely the challenge here is to step into the other person's shoes and try to understand why they might have acted the way they did.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:Now, this doesn't mean condoning their behavior.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:But it's about trying to see things from their perspective.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Even if you don't agree with it.
Speaker 1:This step seems like it could be really difficult, especially if you've been deeply hurt.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:But I can see how it would be so crucial for moving towards forgiveness.
Speaker 3:It's not easy, but it's a powerful way to shift your perspective. Instead of seeing the other person as a villain, you start to see them as a human being.
Speaker 2:Right. Flawed and complex just like you, uh-huh.
Speaker 3:And that brings us to the third step A, which stands for altruistic gift.
Speaker 1:All right, I'm curious about this one.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:What is an altruistic gift in the context of forgiveness?
Speaker 3:So think back to a time when you hurt someone and were forgiven. Do you remember that sense of relief, that weight lifted off your shoulder?
Speaker 1:It's like a huge wave of gratitude washing over you.
Speaker 3:Exactly this step is about recognizing that forgiveness is a gift not just to the receiver, but also to the giver.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:It's about understanding that we all make mistakes and we all deserve a chance at redemption.
Speaker 1:So, even though it might feel like you're letting the other person off the hook, you're actually doing yourself a favor by letting go of that resentment.
Speaker 3:You are. It's a win-win.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:And that brings us to the fourth step, C, which stands for commit.
Speaker 1:Okay, so this is where the rubber meets the road. Yes, what does it mean to commit to forgiveness?
Speaker 3:It's about making a conscious decision to release the anger and resentment. Okay, it's about choosing peace over bitterness, healing over hurt.
Speaker 1:Like signing a peace treaty with yourself.
Speaker 3:I like that. I like that analogy.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And finally, we come to H, which stands for hold.
Speaker 1:So that sounds like the ongoing work of forgiveness.
Speaker 3:It is. It is Resentment can be sneaky, right, it can try to creep back in, especially when you're stressed or triggered. Oh, it is Resentment can be sneaky, right, it can try to creep back in, especially when you're stressed or triggered? Oh yeah, so this step is about being vigilant, about reminding yourself of the choice you've made to forgive.
Speaker 1:It's like building a muscle.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:The more you practice forgiveness, the stronger you become.
Speaker 3:Exactly, and over time, forgiveness becomes less of a conscious effort and more of a natural way of being. It's about choosing to live in the present moment, free from the chains of the past.
Speaker 1:It's so powerful, this reach method. It's a really structured approach to something that can feel really emotional and messy.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Do you find that it helps people to have this kind of framework to work with?
Speaker 3:Absolutely. Having a step-by-step process can make forgiveness feel less daunting, especially for those who are struggling with, you know, really deep-seated resentment.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:It provides a roadmap, a sense of direction, and what's even more remarkable is that this isn't just some, you know, feel-good philosophy.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:The benefits of forgiveness are actually backed by scientific research.
Speaker 1:I'm ready to dive into that research.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 1:What have scientists discovered about the impact of forgiveness on our well-being?
Speaker 3:Oh, there's tons of research. Studies have shown that forgiveness is linked to like a whole host of positive outcomes, you know, from reduced stress and anxiety to improved cardiovascular health. There's even research suggesting that people who practice forgiveness tend to have better sleep quality. It's really fascinating how powerful this shift in mindset can be.
Speaker 1:So it's not just about like letting go of anger for the other person's sake, but for our own well-being.
Speaker 3:Exactly. It's an act of self-care, plain and simple. By releasing those negative emotions, we create space for peace and healing within ourselves.
Speaker 1:You know, these articles were originally published in President Online, which is a Japanese publication, and it got me thinking about. You know, how much do you think like cultural norms influence the way we experience and express anger?
Speaker 3:It's a great question and definitely something to consider. You know, cultural norms play a significant role in shaping our emotional landscape, including how we perceive and express anger. For instance, in Japan, there's a strong emphasis on social harmony and maintaining a sense of wa, which can sometimes lead to suppressing direct expressions of anger.
Speaker 1:So if someone in Japan is feeling angry, they might be less likely to yell or confront someone directly.
Speaker 3:Exactly. Instead, they might express their displeasure through more subtle means like nonverbal cues or indirect communication, and this isn't limited to Japan, of course.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Many cultures have unspoken rules about what's considered appropriate behavior when it comes to anger, but could that lead to more passive aggressive behavior, the kind that we were talking about before?
Speaker 3:It's certainly possible. If direct expressions of anger are discouraged, people might find other ways to vent their frustrations right and, as we've discussed.
Speaker 1:you know, passive aggression can create a lot of confusion and resentment in relationships it's like trying to read between the lines instead of having an open and honest conversation. Yeah, but but how do we navigate these cultural differences in a way that promotes like healthy I?
Speaker 3:think it starts with self-awareness, recognizing our own cultural biases and how they might influence our reactions. We also need to be open to learning about and respecting other cultures' ways of expressing emotions.
Speaker 1:It's about approaching those differences with curiosity and empathy, rather than a judgment.
Speaker 3:Absolutely, and sometimes it might even be helpful to have a conversation about these differences. Yeah, to acknowledge that people from different backgrounds might have different ways of handling anger.
Speaker 1:Yeah, ok, so far we've talked about, you know, passive aggression. But what about those times when anger kind of explodes in a more overt way, like a volcano erupting?
Speaker 3:Well, that's another important aspect of anger management. Sometimes anger can feel really overwhelming. Oh yeah, like this sudden surge of energy that's difficult to control, and in those moments it can be hard to think clearly or make rational decisions.
Speaker 1:It's like our fight or flight response takes over. Yes, and we react instinctively rather than thoughtfully.
Speaker 3:Exactly. That's why it's so important to develop self-regulation strategies. You know techniques that can help us manage those intense emotions. Yeah, before they escalate.
Speaker 1:It's like having a fire extinguisher on hand in case of an emotional blaze.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I like that.
Speaker 1:So what are some of those tools we can add to our emotional toolkit? I like that, so what?
Speaker 3:are some of those tools we can add to our emotional toolkit. Well, one of the simplest yet most effective strategies is just to take a pause. Okay, you know, when you feel that anger rising, step away from the situation if possible.
Speaker 1:Give yourself some space to just kind of cool down. It's like hitting the pause button on that emotional roller coaster Exactly.
Speaker 3:Even just a few minutes of breathing room can make a world of difference.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 3:It allows us to interrupt that reactive cycle and gain a clearer perspective.
Speaker 1:Okay, but what if you can't physically remove yourself from the situation? What if you're, like, stuck in a meeting or a tense?
Speaker 3:family dinner. Well, in those cases we can turn to like internal strategies.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:Deep breathing exercises can be incredibly helpful.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:Focusing on the breath can really calm the nervous system and create a sense of inner peace.
Speaker 1:And what about mindfulness? I've heard that that can be really helpful for managing strong emotions.
Speaker 3:Mindfulness is a powerful tool for becoming more aware of our thoughts and feelings. Without judgment and by simply observing those feelings as they arise, we can create some distance between ourselves and the emotion, making it less likely to control our actions.
Speaker 1:It's like we're watching the storm from a safe distance rather than getting swept away by the waves.
Speaker 3:That's a great analogy, yeah, and the more we practice these self-regulation techniques, the better we become at managing those intense emotions. It's like building emotional muscle.
Speaker 1:And this reminds me of the anger diary we talked about before.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:By tracking our anger patterns, we can identify those early warning signs.
Speaker 3:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:And intervene before things escalate right.
Speaker 3:Exactly the anger diary becomes this valuable tool for self-awareness and, ultimately, for self-mastery. It's about taking ownership of our emotional experience and making conscious choices that support our well-being.
Speaker 1:You know, we often think of anger as this negative emotion, something to be avoided. Right, think of anger as this negative emotion, something to be avoided.
Speaker 3:But I've also heard that anger when managed effectively, can actually be a positive force in our lives. You're absolutely right Anger can be a powerful catalyst for change?
Speaker 1:Oh, interesting.
Speaker 3:It can signal to us that something is wrong, that a boundary has been crossed or that a value we hold there is being threatened.
Speaker 1:It's like an internal alarm system alerting us to potential problems.
Speaker 3:Exactly Okay, and when we listen to that alarm and address the underlying issue, we can create positive change both of our own lives and in the world around us.
Speaker 1:It's about channeling that anger energy into constructive action, rather than letting it control us.
Speaker 3:Think about the many social movements that have been fueled by righteous anger, movements that have led to greater equality, justice and progress.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 3:It's about using anger as a force for good.
Speaker 1:It's about recognizing that anger, like all emotions, has a message for us. It's about listening to that message, understanding its wisdom and using it to create a more fulfilling and meaningful life.
Speaker 3:You know, it's remarkable how these conversations often come full circle.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:We started by talking about forgiveness and the power of letting go.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:And now we're talking about how anger, when channeled wisely, can actually lead to positive change.
Speaker 1:It's all interconnected, isn't?
Speaker 3:it, it is.
Speaker 1:By learning to forgive, we free ourselves from the grip of negativity, and that freedom allows us to tap into the transformative power of our emotions, even anger.
Speaker 3:It's like breaking those chains of anger and resentment.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:And stepping into a world of greater peace and possibility.
Speaker 1:As we wrap up this part of our deep dive, what stands out to you the most?
Speaker 3:I think the realization that anger is often a symptom of a deeper issue, Okay. Whether it's, you know, a need for attention, a feeling of being unheard or a perceived injustice. By addressing those underlying issues, we can transform our relationship with anger and create a more harmonious life.
Speaker 1:It's about going beyond the surface and exploring those root causes of our emotional experiences.
Speaker 3:Absolutely, it really is.
Speaker 1:We've talked about understanding the perspectives of others Right, but what about having empathy for ourselves?
Speaker 3:Oh, that's huge.
Speaker 1:And we're the ones that are struggling with anger.
Speaker 3:That's such a crucial piece of the puzzle.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Self-empathy is all about acknowledging and validating our own emotions, even the tough ones like anger. And validating our own emotions, even the tough ones like anger, it's about treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer a friend who's going through a hard time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that can be challenging, right.
Speaker 3:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Sometimes we're our own harshest critics.
Speaker 3:Yes, we are, but remember it's okay to feel angry, right Anger is a natural human emotion.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:It's what we do with it that matters.
Speaker 1:So how can we cultivate more self-empathy, especially when we're feeling angry in the moment?
Speaker 3:Well, one simple but powerful practice is to notice and name the emotion. Okay, when you feel anger rising, say to yourself I'm feeling angry right now. Acknowledge its presence without judgment.
Speaker 1:It's almost like giving yourself permission to feel the emotion yes, without getting swept away by it Exactly and then try to get curious about what's triggering that anger.
Speaker 3:Ok, what are the thoughts, beliefs or experiences that are fueling those feelings?
Speaker 1:It's like becoming your own emotional detective.
Speaker 3:I love it Right.
Speaker 1:Like putting on your deerstalker, hat your magnifying glass.
Speaker 3:And, just like any good detective, you need to be thorough in your investigation.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Ask yourself those tough questions and be willing to face uncomfortable truths.
Speaker 1:Because sometimes facing those truths is the key to finding a path toward healing and growth right.
Speaker 3:It's true, by acknowledging and addressing those deeper issues, we can transform our relationship with anger and create a more peaceful and fulfilling life.
Speaker 1:You know it's interesting. As we've been talking, I'm realizing that managing anger is about so much more than just calming down in the moment.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:It's about developing a whole new way of relating to ourselves.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:And to the world around us.
Speaker 3:That's a profound insight. It's about shifting our mindset from one of reactivity to one of responsiveness.
Speaker 1:It's about becoming more mindful of our emotions, more intentional in our actions and more compassionate in our interactions.
Speaker 3:And that shift in perspective can have a ripple effect.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 3:Not only on our own well-being, but also on our relationships and even on the world around us.
Speaker 1:It's a beautiful vision, isn't it?
Speaker 3:It is.
Speaker 1:A world where people are more skilled at communicating their needs, resolving conflicts peacefully and forgiving themselves and others.
Speaker 3:It's a world where anger is no longer seen as a purely destructive force, but as a source of energy that can be harnessed for positive change.
Speaker 1:Well, that brings us to the end of our deep dive into taming your inner Godzilla.
Speaker 3:It does.
Speaker 1:We've covered a lot of ground, from the subtle sabotage of passive, aggressive anger to the science backed benefits of forgiveness and the power of self-regulation.
Speaker 3:It's been a great conversation.
Speaker 1:It has. So remember you have the power to choose how you respond to anger.
Speaker 3:You do.
Speaker 1:You can choose to let it control you, or you can choose to use it as fuel for growth and transformation.
Speaker 3:That's right.
Speaker 1:It's about recognizing that anger, like all emotions, has a message for us. It's about listening to that message, understanding its wisdom and using it to create a more fulfilling and meaningful life.
Speaker 3:It's about stepping into your own power, becoming the master of your emotions, not their slave.
Speaker 1:We hope this deep dive has equipped you with the tools and insights you need to navigate the complexities of anger. Remember to practice self-compassion, be patient with yourself and keep exploring the fascinating world of your own emotional landscape.
